joromofin

Relationships are full of ups and downs, heartaches, emotional scars, phobia for love, disappointments as a result of either the man or the woman messing up or breaking rules/regimes earlier set in the relationship I.e the terms which kept the couple in check.

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We all have different coping mechanisms for dealing with heartbreak or emotional / physical death in our relationship. According to couples therapy you must be wiling to fight for what and who you love without a concern of the world and its audience.

Breakups can be caused by 2 major factors:

1. Emotional Disconnect.
2. Physical Disconnect.

Emotional Disconnect:

This is when all the pet names, little jokes, special hand shakes and other gestures of the “heart” are no longer present. Emotional disconnect is very difficult to rekindle because you can’t see emotions or sensations but only feel them. Very little of us have control over what we feel.

Physical Disconnect:

This is the absolute or total loss of physical attraction in a relationship. Most times because someone in the relationship isn’t looking like how they used to or taking good care of themselves anymore. A man may seek counsel from his woman, give her all the money, chanel, birkin bags but not still want to have sex or any physical contact with her.

Studies, Journals and Direct Observation have shown that it takes a big fight , breakup, disagreement or long distance for either party to realize what they lost or how much they really loved their partner.

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In an Article edited by the APA (American Psychology Association); The 21st Century woman is more Aggressive and Assertive than the 70’s or 80’s woman i.e the Ladies of our Generation are not docile like our parents time and they take no nonsense from Men or even women of their peers.This being said, my question remains is it ok for a woman to retaliate or step out on her boyfriend or husband if he’s unfaithful?

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In most cases in Nigeria men are most likely to cheat, flirt and have 2 or more girlfriends. This puts a lot of strain and emotional / cognitive weight on the women in this situation who most times have dedicated their time and effort to make the relationship work and they keep seeing signs of their Bf or husband’s infidelity.

Different women have different coping mechanisms to help them through the situation. some women go on a eating spree, some confront the side-chick, some burn or trash her bfs clothes or cars while others decide to step out on their man as well and have their own affair. In my opinion if you Love your man this is not the best approach or solution to the problem because it’s not going to stop the Unfaithful man but only compound issues.

Let’s also note that there’s a double standard in cheating which makes it a “swag” or an “ego booster” for men who cheat and “taboo” or “slut effect” for women who cheat. Society has classified women who cheat as “Bad Eggs” no matter the circumstance. The best and Universal approach is to access and do a damage control in your relationship and if it’s not worth it leave the relationship.

Not all men cheat

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Some ladies who have searched, tried and over dated but are still single and are willing to date make some statements that stand in their own way or build negative mental archetypes. e.g.

• “I’m done with men!”
• “ I’m too old to attend weddings”
• “I earn more than him so what does he have to offer?”
• “Single ladies rock!!!”
• “Don’t need no man to complete me”

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There’s nothing wrong with these statements but if you’re single and you want to date why stand in your own way or create unrealistic standards which 60% of the men in the demographic can not reach?

Let’s try to take control of our lives , free ourselves from the mental chains that society , family, friends have created for us. No one is going to spend more than a day being sad for you.
How do you emancipate your mind?

1. Selflove ( remind yourself daily of your worth, your skills, your degrees,your beauty, your charming personality, achievements ,how much God loves you)
2. Always ask yourself is this ( current situation) worth fighting for? Do I deserve more?
3. Test-ReTest is method of measuring reliability. Reevaluate all relationships in your life that don’t produce consistent positive results.
4. Don’t seek validation or constant approval from people because they may put you down to make themselves look good. Validate & Approve yourself according to how you were yesterday.

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Who are you without me? I made you!

“My Husband beats & bruises me daily but I can’t leave him because no one has divorced in my family so I don’t want to be the first to divorce so I’ll just take the beating till he changes.”

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My girlfriend does Aristo/ Runs but at least she bring money to pay the bills -let’s see how far you will go without me.

I had 3 sidechicks when we were dating now I have only one as a married man and you’re complaining -my bf sleeps with anything in a skirt but at least he buys me birkin bags and Louboutins shoes.

I’ll marry Akin instead because he is the only son and his father will “WILL” all properties to him.

These assertions, questions and statements made above are daily lines used on some people who have the least respect, hope and love for themselves.
Self actualization is the highest point a person could reach in terms of success or achievement in maslows hierarchy of needs theory, self actualization is a place where a person is at peace and is happy with his achievements in life ( financial, spiritual, physical, social status etc)
For us to reach our self Actualized state we have to “ emancipate our minds” / break free of the mental chains that have been out there by media, friends, peer pressure, family, significant other).

A lot of ladies in relationships are suffering and smiling because their minds have not been emancipated, they don’t believe in themselves but they have to put up with the crap and antics of their men because they don’t want to appear single to the public. A story was brought to my attention by a close friend about a married woman who has lost 2 pregnancies due to constant physical attacks by her husband despite all the bruises and scars she won’t leave him because no one has divorced in her family so she doesn’t want to be the first and she doesn’t want society to frown or judge her for being divorced or a single mother.
She is a “mental” inmate, a prisoner to the pressures of society , her mind hasn’t been emancipated and she will not be happy or meet someone better until such thoughts are buried.

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