Dating

“Plan B” aka Contingency Plan.

Is it acceptable or fruitful to have another option aside your boyfriend? or girlfriend? Not a SideChick/ mistress but a PLATONIC / Non Sexual friend who you may see as a potential if your current significant other jumps ship or leaves you.

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Behavioral Contingency in Psychology is the act of an individual to consciously or unconsciously prepare themselves for failure therefore creating other options. This article is inspired by a friend’s friend who wasn’t the best boyfriend to his girlfriend they dated for 3 years and she gave him a long rope of chances despite his callous behavior and infidelity.

They broke up and 3 months later she got engaged to a Platonic friend who she had always had around her. Now her former boyfriend is raising hell saying she had been cheating on him too and her wedding won’t hold.

Some ladies today go into relationships and cut everybody off both their female and male friends, their morning, afternoon and night revolves round their man. They stop or totally reduce simple things like drinks, movies or clubbing with friends because they have a man or of their man isn’t coming they aren’t going.

My question is ; is it safe to live a 100% devoted life to your man without any male friends when he hasn’t fully committed to you? The lady referred to in this article got a positive result because she had a contingency plan; but this may not always work because having a Platonic plan B may divert your attention, lead to infidelity and create a void in your relationship.

In my Opinion; although a plan B or contingency gives you a relationship insurance which makes a sudden breakup less lethal or detrimental because some people after long relationships don’t find people to date or are even no longer interested in dating I.e emotionally scared. There should be no need for a plan B because it diverts your attention from your primary objective and creates less commitment or devotion. Going into a relationship with a Spare tyre mindset brings extraneous variables and may must times lead to SideChicks/SideGuys. Do what works for you in your own situation and environment.

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When you’re dating someone should you date their whole family too? This is one of the most common questions in couples therapy and counseling because family plays a major role in the success or failure of a relationship.

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I must also state that there is no fixed solution or approach towards this question or phenomenon. Should you date your boyfriend or girlfriend’s family too? This is because it is relative i.e families differ, personalities differ, societal frameworks differ, so there is no generalized solution but only a situational solution.

This being said, some people today, guys or ladies date their girlfriend’s or boyfriend’s family including extended family, they develop an intimate relationship with their boyfriend’s family members, attend all family functions, add all family members on Blackberry Message, WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat or whatever social media channels you can think of. They go to their boyfriend’s house to do chores. They go and help their boyfriend’s mom and sisters tie Gele (A cultural head tie common in western Nigeria) and cook for them, travel to Ogun, Ondo, or Imo State for a distant uncles 50th birthday party. They may even go as far as calling their boyfriend’s cousin to dish out relationship advice and such.

One has to wonder if all these acts are beneficial to the growth and prosperity of a relationship? Are these acts necessary? Are you giving people the right to interfere in your relationship?

In my opinion, I believe you should not date your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s family too, of course have a cordial relationship with them but don’t involve them in the day to day activities of your relationship because they are going to bring their own experiences, expectations and requirements into your relationship and sometimes even tell you how to manage your life or affairs.

Extraneous variables in psychology always needs to be reduced or controlled to get an objective result. Besides a relationship should be between two people not three, four, or five people. It is best to make your own mistakes so that you learn first hand from them rather than having an external source (i.e your significant other’s family) telling you how to run your affairs.

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Don’t bring baggage from your last relationship into a new or potential relationship

Baggage in this text refers to past emotional experiences, various cognitive archetypes and your mindset after your last relationship.
Most people today both gentlemen and ladies still carry on their backs all the hurt and pain that was caused by their ex. They allow these negative past experiences to dictate their lives and who they are dating next.

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Some ladies have developed a predetermined mindset about men. They think everyone is like their ex and they don’t even give new guys a chance to prove themselves. These ladies say things like “All guys are the same”, “I’ve signed off from guys”, “I’m done with dating”, “No more Yoruba guys for me”, “No more Nigerian men”, “My ex was Christian so no more Christian guys”.

All these thoughts act as a loop hole or a bridge between some ladies and their dream man or happiness. What these ladies don’t know is that they are indirectly still dating their ex if the thought of him still dictates who they should date or give chances. It is very beneficial to go into any relationship with a clear mind and clean slate (Tabular Rasa).

Most ladies are scared of getting hurt again that’s why they hold on to the past. The ideal and smart thing to do is to embrace your past, learn from it and use that knowledge as a guide in your new relationship so you don’t make the same mistakes and you can identify early red flags. May our Emotional baggage not hinder us from our happiness and self actualization. Amen!

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A Defining Characteristic Of Man & Yet A Major Reason For Breakups & Relationships Issues

According to Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, the ego is one of the components of the human mental apparatus which is mainly governed by the “Reality Principle”.

Ego Is The Enemy By Ryan Holiday courtesy:The Journey

This being said, the male go is one of the most popular psychological terms used in describing a man and his affairs.

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The male ego is responsible for a man’s success, it molds his drive, his resilience, attitude to work, his perception of the world, his response to threats, response to his wife, friends and family, it consists of a man’s sense of belonging and well being.

Despite all the good and prolific qualities associated with the male ego, it plays a major role in affecting and impeding a man’s relationship with his wife or girlfriend. Here are a few examples of a man’s ego at work.

1. Some Nigerian men expect their wives to kneel down while presenting their meals to them.
2. After a fight with their wife or girlfriends, men find it hard to apologize or just say “ I’m sorry” even when they are at fault.
3. Most men always wait for their girlfriend’s or wives to call them first after a dispute, they would never pick up the phone to call first.
4. Some men feel threatened when they meet a successful woman or if their wife makes more money than they do, this most times leads to breakups.
5. Some Nigerian men request three freshly cooked meals a day from their wives without a care of her work schedule and without the assistance of a maid.
6. The male ego gives no room for second chances in a case of infidelity.
7. The male ego doesn’t like to be corrected, he is the “alpha” in every situation.

Studies have shown that some of these examples have strained and ended a lot of marriages and relationships.

So What Is The Solution?

My advice to the ladies is that you study your man, know what makes him tick, make him feel like he’s the “King of England”, although you know the real power lies with you. Most importantly be diplomatic and pick your battles.

For the fellas, simply leave your ego at work and focus on being the man she married not the CEO or Boss you have become. Our wives or girlfriends are our partners not our subordinates or slaves.

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You’ll Lose Your Brand-New Effect

Based on Direct and Indirect observation I’ve gathered that some ladies date the same group of guys, guys in the same social circle or clique. The irony is that these ladies who date guys in the same clique always expect a different result in terms of relationship progress or mutual respect from guys in the same clique or their peers but most times it doesn’t happen.

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In Psychology, there’s a sampling technique known as “randomization” which is assigning participants to a group by allowing them all have equal chances of being chosen so as to achieve a standard result or standard opportunity. This being said, ladies if you want equal and justifiable opportunity for meeting a guy, don’t date or mingle with guys in the same circle over a long period of time because….

1. you won’t have that “WOW” , “OMG who’s she effect” because they already know a lot about you.
2. They may start looking at you like one of the guys and friend zone you automatically.
3. Guys gossip more than girls and you’d be surprised what the boys in the circle may have shared about you, they may know every dimple and scar on your body.
4. you may end up being a conquest. A guy may be like since Akin, Emeka and Tunde have had her I must have her too.
5. Guys like to Showoff their girlfriends to friends so who will they show you off to if you’ve dated 3 of their friends.
6. some guys will think they basically know your life history and will be blocking potentials from coming your way by spreading your gist.

There are so many guys in different parts of the country with various backgrounds who are equally successful, handsome, God fearing and are willing to settle down so don’t limit yourself to a group or segment because by doing this you’re limiting your chances or opportunity to meet someone who won’t judge you for what his friends said about you but give you a clean slate and allow you prove yourself to him without third party opinions or extraneous variables.

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