Dating

1. Remove guys from your friendzone list:

“Friendzone” is a mental classification or categorization of a guy or group of guys in a lady’s mind i.e she sees a guy as a non sexual object or as a brother. Some single ladies today see having a lot of guys on their friendzone list as an achievement or an award, they enjoy the fact that guys keep trying to get their attention or approval while they call him things like “bro”, “cuz”, “G” “padi” as a means to discourage him from trying to talk to them.
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My question is if you’re single and you’re looking for a boyfriend why have so many guys as just friends without giving them chances? Or opportunities to prove themselves. Marriage counsellors have revealed that most couples were initially just friends or co-workers. Un-friendzone some guys and see where it leads, you may just be swept off your feet..

2. Smile Often; Look Approachable:

A lot of guys are discouraged to approach a Lady who has a strong or mean face. They may be scared of instant rejection or think you’re just mean. Primacy Effect in Psychology makes emphasis on first impression being an important factor in perception. So Ladies if your face is strong and your heart is soft make an effort to smile more.

3. Change your normal routine (try a new church, bar, cinema, beach):

If you’re a single lady and you’ve been attending the same church, cinema, bars for the past 16 months and there is no visible suitor I suggest you switch the branch of your church from Ikeja to Surulere, or Apapa to VI. This is a Process known as randomization; doing something different or attending new places will give you a new set of possibilities of meeting new suitors.

4. Eliminate Distractions : (Exs, Single minded friends, friends with benefits etc):

Exs that just hang around like vultures waiting for drunk sex to happen again or standing in your way of moving forward need to GO, “single minded friends ” ladies you may have that friend or “friends” who wants you to be single because she’s single too and it’s ok for you to have a boyfriend only when she has a boyfriend, that friend/ friends needs to go,
friends with benefits only create a mirage in your mind because you’re being emotionally and physically satisfied but there isn’t any strong commitment so you find yourself in a quandary or dilemma because you’re living for the moment and not the future.

5. Open Mindset and Reasonable Standards:

Some Ladies have crafted and created their boyfriends or husbands in their minds, they have played the role of creator in the Cognitive Archetypes so any guy who doesn’t meet a particular standard or level shouldn’t even bother walking up to them. No one is saying lower your standards but there are a lot of guys with potential out there…not everyone can be 100% and complete when you meet them.

6. Go out less with your friends:

Obviously this doesn’t mean you should be a recluse but there are sometimes when you should just be that pretty or stunning lady at the mall or movies. Studies have shown that men feel more comfortable approaching a lady who is alone than with a group of ladies. Some ladies feel uncomfortable or think it’s a taboo to go out alone and feel that they would look desperate or awkward but ladies write your own rules, what works for others may not work for you.

7. Be Active on social media:

Some people may disagree but social media when used properly can be a good medium for meeting people. Some ladies from January to August don’t post a single picture of themselves, their favorite football club, favorite movie, favorite political party on their BBM or Instagram they are basically Ghosts and observers. By posting a picture of anything you can attract a similar mind like yourself for you to at least start a conversation.

8. Attend organizations that are 60% male dominated ( gym, dance club, weddings):

Attending the gym often is not only good for giving you a great body but also for meeting guys and you being the center of attraction,
weddings are the most popular in recent times and there are more males than females at weddings. Weddings have been credited for initiating a lot of marriages and relationships.

9. Rebrand / Repackage yourself:

While Staying true to yourself and upholding your ideals and goals. Focus on making yourself better than who you were yesterday by hard work, eating healthy, networking, working out, SELF LOVE and attitudinal orientation because if you don’t believe in your self no one will believe in you.

10. Pray:

This is the most Important factor when searching for a boyfriend. Prayer does things that science cannot explain.
Remember having a boyfriend doesn’t make you complete, and being single doesn’t make you incomplete. Above all do what makes you happy and what is beneficial to you, stay true to yourself and have reasonable standards.

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As a man, I have been there ; hurting someone I cared about, enjoying attention from other ladies, forgetting to appreciate or compliment all the little things that I knew would make a difference. All these things would easily drive away the person we love into the arms of another man. It takes nothing to acknowledge your lady’s hair, or that she added extra pepper or salt in the stew or she wears less makeup of recent.

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Fellas, Here are 10 tips on how to get your Lady back after an ( Emotional or Physical Disconnect) /a breakup.

Get Spiritual ( Fasting & Prayers).

Admission of Guilt and deflation of Ego

Apologize.

Go out of your comfort zone.

Treat her better.

Eliminate Distractions.

Express your love through the Arts : Dancing, Singing, Painting, Rapping etc

show or renew your commitment.

Be persistent.

Have a plan or a vow to maintain everything you’ve worked for.

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Why do women need to be Validated by men?. Is it Perception? Culture ? Trend? A Mental Mirage? Parental Pressure?. In our society today do we look/think less or more of a successful lady who doesn’t have a man?

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Does having a man (bf, husband) complete you as a woman? An article in New York Times likened a woman having a man to a celebrity being verified by Twitter / Instagram on social media.

Some celebrities who have accomplished a lot in terms of record sales and medals don’t feel complete because they aren’t VALIDATED / VERIFIED by a social network , can we compare this to some ladies who have all the qualifications, beauty, brains, cooking skills etc but don’t have a man? Do they need a man to verify them to make them complete?.

I met a lady a conference last month Mary 28, she has a Bsc/Msc in computer engineering she complained about how all her achievements and good qualities are overlooked by family and friends because she’s single.

Her mom / family complains she attends too many weddings and buys too much asoebi yet picks on her for being single e.g:

“your mates are getting married every weekend you’re busy buying their asoebi and bringing home wedding souvenirs & party hats.

Other annoying instances are listed below:

1. Her married friends no longer pick up her calls or reply messages
2. Her friends who are pregnant hide their pregnancy from her or don’t allow her carry their babies
3. Any time she meets a client and she says she’s single they have an impression about her or ask that question that ladies dread being asked : “why are you single?”

Society and its stereotypes, pressures have made it a benchmark or a necessity for a lady not to see herself as complete unless she has a man. Meanwhile men feel validated either way, single or married men are validated.

you don’t need a man to validate or verify you as a woman, if you allow the pressures or give into the competitions you may lose your self, worth, esteem and develop an identity crisis. Some men are aware that some women are in dire need for validation so they take advantage and throw all sorts of degrading antics at women. Make yourself a woman that will validate or verify your man present or future.

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Relationships are full of ups and downs, heartaches, emotional scars, phobia for love, disappointments as a result of either the man or the woman messing up or breaking rules/regimes earlier set in the relationship I.e the terms which kept the couple in check.

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We all have different coping mechanisms for dealing with heartbreak or emotional / physical death in our relationship. According to couples therapy you must be wiling to fight for what and who you love without a concern of the world and its audience.

Breakups can be caused by 2 major factors:

1. Emotional Disconnect.
2. Physical Disconnect.

Emotional Disconnect:

This is when all the pet names, little jokes, special hand shakes and other gestures of the “heart” are no longer present. Emotional disconnect is very difficult to rekindle because you can’t see emotions or sensations but only feel them. Very little of us have control over what we feel.

Physical Disconnect:

This is the absolute or total loss of physical attraction in a relationship. Most times because someone in the relationship isn’t looking like how they used to or taking good care of themselves anymore. A man may seek counsel from his woman, give her all the money, chanel, birkin bags but not still want to have sex or any physical contact with her.

Studies, Journals and Direct Observation have shown that it takes a big fight , breakup, disagreement or long distance for either party to realize what they lost or how much they really loved their partner.

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In an Article edited by the APA (American Psychology Association); The 21st Century woman is more Aggressive and Assertive than the 70’s or 80’s woman i.e the Ladies of our Generation are not docile like our parents time and they take no nonsense from Men or even women of their peers.This being said, my question remains is it ok for a woman to retaliate or step out on her boyfriend or husband if he’s unfaithful?

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In most cases in Nigeria men are most likely to cheat, flirt and have 2 or more girlfriends. This puts a lot of strain and emotional / cognitive weight on the women in this situation who most times have dedicated their time and effort to make the relationship work and they keep seeing signs of their Bf or husband’s infidelity.

Different women have different coping mechanisms to help them through the situation. some women go on a eating spree, some confront the side-chick, some burn or trash her bfs clothes or cars while others decide to step out on their man as well and have their own affair. In my opinion if you Love your man this is not the best approach or solution to the problem because it’s not going to stop the Unfaithful man but only compound issues.

Let’s also note that there’s a double standard in cheating which makes it a “swag” or an “ego booster” for men who cheat and “taboo” or “slut effect” for women who cheat. Society has classified women who cheat as “Bad Eggs” no matter the circumstance. The best and Universal approach is to access and do a damage control in your relationship and if it’s not worth it leave the relationship.

Not all men cheat

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