Marriage

If your man isn’t financially equipped or can’t afford the “rock” or ring of your dreams and yet proposes, would you accept or reject his proposal?

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This article is inspired by an interesting story I heard from a close friend about a guy who proposed to his two year girlfriend with a ring which could be referred to as a “Full Stop” or “Dot ring” i.e the rock was so small and displeasurable to her.

She said “YES” and accepted the ring but didn’t wear it often or put the standard ring finger picture on social media. After a few weeks her boyfriend got angry and confronted her about not posting the ring out there or telling anyone, she lashed out and said this isn’t the ring of “my” dreams. They got into a fight which eventually led to their breakup.

Hence my question, should or does the size of the ring or rock matter in saying yes to your man? This issue requires a situational approach or solution as we all have different personalities, family backgrounds, or orientations.

In my opinion a ring should serve as a symbol of love or an interest in starting a new life with another person, the price of the ring should be based on your pocket or account at the time. The size of the ring should not matter what matters is the gesture or idea that someone wants to spend the rest of their life with you.

Most guys want to give their lady a big rock but what if there are more pressing issues like rent, business projects, or health issues. Should a man ignore these things or empty his account for a big Diamond? As a couple you can always upgrade your ring in time as you grow financially.

Competition amongst friends has made it a “sine qua non”, that is, an essential for ladies to have a big diamond on their engagement rings. Some ladies adapt their gait and the way they walk to match the size of their new rings. Some go to the extent of placing their fingers a certain way so the world can see their newly acquired symbol of marraige.

If that ring was very small, tiny, or cheap, would u walk and flash your engagement ring in a way that causes our eyes to squint?

Do what works for you in your own clime. Don’t pass on love the of a good man because of a variable that can be made a constant in due time.

What do think? Please let us know in the comments section below.

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This Article is inspired by a friend of mine who caught the bouquet 12 times and was also a bridesmaid 15 times. She is newly married and asked me to write this so other aspiring brides can learn from her experience of being pressured by family and society to stop attending weddings and buying “aso-ebi”.

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With some friends making fun of her and calling her “27 dresses” in reference to the Hollywood movie. There are certain cultural, societal, and parental pressures or stereotypes associated with a lady who is single and very active at a lot of her friends engagement and wedding ceremonies.

The irony is that when a lady who is single and searching isn’t socially active she is criticized for not putting herself out there. These pressures mentioned above sometimes can derail or put a dent in a person’s personality or self worth.

For example with regards to parental pressure, some Nigerian parents put both direct and indirect pressure on their children when it comes to marriage and weddings.

Some parents make comments like; “All your friends are married you’re busy buying Aso-ebi every weekend”, “You keep bringing souvenirs home, when will we share yours”, “If you put this much effort into planning your own wedding as opposed to Tala’s wedding, you’ll be married by now”.

With regards to cultural or societal pressure; Friends and associates most times have an opinion about how many weddings you attend, some friends even calculate how much you spend on tailors, shoes and Gels (Gele is a traditional head tie) in preparation for a wedding.

These same friends, if I may call them that criticize you for coming out on wedding blogs or magazines and make fun and call you names like 27 Dresses, Ms Aso-ebi , Chairlady of Gele affairs and so on.

All these variables and comments may be hurtful and sometimes a burden but your life is your life and not to be lived for anyone else’s pleasure. From a psychological standpoint anyone whose personality is easily changed or pressured to change for issues which aren’t malignant in nature isn’t fully developed or self confident.

Live your life based on what makes you happy and what is beneficial to you not the norms or standards that society has created.

If you have any thoughts on this post, please let me know in the Facebook comments section below.

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If your wedding is the biggest on the planet and yet the foundations of your marriage are weak then you are headed for trouble. At the same time, your wedding may be the smallest in Nigeria but if the foundations of your marriage are solid then you are headed for a successful marriage.

Aso-Ebi Syndrome

Aso-Ebi is a traditional attire chosen by a side of the family either the bride or groom for their guests. Aso-Ebi syndrome has ended a lot of people’s relationships or marriages because some women spend all their earnings and savings on these garbs and forget to cater to important things at home such as children’s school fees and meals at home.

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Some of these garbs cost as much as 150,000 Naira (471.00 USD at the time of this post) per wedding, and the norm is not to repeat them once worn. So let’s imagine you are invited to seven weddings, this means you will have to multiply 150,000 Naira by seven weddings, I am not a mathematician but by my calculations, we arrive at a cost of over one million Naira. Hence, by the time you have attended just seven weddings you have spent over one million Naira on attending weddings.

One Million Naira, if invested well, can generate amazing returns that can be put towards more worthwhile endeavors. Some Nigerian women are so prolific at subscribing to the idea of buying Aso Ebi for weddings that they might as well be called the Honorable Ministers of Aso Ebi Affairs. The sad thing is that Aso-Ebi syndrome is a huge epidemic in our beloved country.

Wedding vs Marriage

No one talks about how to make marriages work anymore instead most of the focus is placed on the wedding itself which is superficial and shallow at best. In Nigeria, we have become so caught up with celebrating weddings and the glamour associated with weddings that the intricacies of what makes a marriage successful are completely ignored.

In the time of our parents, things were much different and less superficial. There was no Instagram, twitter or any other social media outlet to judge or rate weddings.

So I hereby declare; “If your wedding is the biggest in Nigeria and yet the foundations of your marriage are weak then you are headed for trouble. At the same time, your wedding may be the smallest in Nigeria but if the foundations of your marriage are solid then you are headed for a successful marriage.”

Bridezilla

Some brides, as a result of their social status and the status of their husband, change and act “brand new” towards their old friends. They make crazy demands towards the planning of their wedding. Some brides rent bridesmaids or screen their old friends who can’t afford the wedding plans.

Wedding based on debt

As a result of the pressure to have a fairy tale wedding or “wedding of the year” some couples exceed their budget, sometimes get into debt from owing wedding planners, caterers or artist who performed at the wedding. Real life cases in Nigeria have seen couples owing between 10 and 15 million Naira after a wedding ceremony.

My advice to young Nigerians making their way to the altar is to do what makes you and your family happy and to make sure you don’t fall into the trappings of impressing other people. Lest you’ll forget as many of us have, that a wedding lasts a day, while a good marriage lasts a lifetime.

*Read More when my book is out* God willing Summer 2015.

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The Nigerian Wedding encompasses the pressures and cultural framework that make up a Nigerian wedding and the idea of marriage in Nigeria. I have enumerated the framework and some of these pressures below.

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1. Paternal pressure

Nigerian parents exerting pressure on their children to get hitched. They say things like: “I wanted to be a Grandparent by 60 !!!”; “See your friend Tola! She’s married and pregnant”; “Pastor said you should fast for 3 months so husband will come.”

2. Social media frenzy

If your wedding isn’t in Bella Naija, Wedding Digest or Nigerian wedding verified are you really married? Some brides put financial, mental and emotional strain on their partners just to out do their friends or have the biggest wedding of the year. Sometimes this causes friction between husband and wife before they even leave the wedding hall.

3. Expensive jewelry and wedding attires

I have overheard some Ladies say “if my gown isn’t Vera Wang I’m not getting married, or if I’m not wearing Red bottoms (Christian Louboutins) I’m not getting married. Red bottoms are now the official wedding shoes in Nigeria.

4. Destination weddings

The new “it” thing. There’s been some controversy over destination weddings. Some people are of the opinion that it’s a waste of money, others think its unnecessary stress since you’re Nigerian, why fly abroad when all your friends and family are in Nigeria? This is subjective, as the choice for some people is not about impressing others but doing what makes them happy and what they can afford.

5. Makeup and makeup artists

A wedding in Nigeria is such an institution and cultural staple that more than 50% of aspiring brides believe they will meet their future groom at a wedding so they don’t take their appearance lightly. This has lead to a boom in young ladies making careers out of applying make up on brides and their guests on the wedding day. As Nigerians we sometimes take things to the extreme, especially when we judge a bride by the makeup artist she used or didn’t use. You hear snide remarks like “That bride was random”.

What do you think of my analysis of Nigerian weddings? Please let me know in the comments section below.

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